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November 08, 2010

when he leaves

She watched him go silently. If she could, she would have screamed, and exclaimed at the top of her lungs, calling his name, beckoning him back. But the words just stuck in her throat. 

As he walked away, she could only see a blurred vision of him, as her eyes welled up with tears.

She got down to her knees, crying, unable to utter any words. What? What words could possibly have brought him back? It was her fault he went, her own doings had made him leave her now. There was nothing she could do. No more reasons to tell him why he should stay. No more apologies will soften his heart. No, he was bored of her apologies. As if apologising will make it all better, and then their lives will be like usual. When in reality it doesn’t go that way, he had told her. She couldn’t understand, although how hard she tried. She only knew that he had tried so hard to understand her, but she just wouldn’t let him.

I don’t even understand myself, she cried silently.

She had always wanted someone to understand her, and yet when that someone actually comes along, she shut herself, afraid of what she might reveal to him. As if knowing her will mean she will lose that person’s trust. And all she could do was tell him things, things that she meant to be from her heart, but failed to come  ut as she wanted them to. All the wrong things she said. And yet she couldn’t make them right. She couldn’t make them right then, and she couldn’t make them right now.

He disappeared out of sight, his heart, too, in pain. He loved her dearly, but he was being unfair to himself and to her, if he let things go they way they were before. He couldn’t face it. And yet he knew clearly that he still loves her, and it will always stay that way. But she wasn’t the girl he knew before. The girl that made him love her in the first place, the girl who always made his heart skip a beat, the girl who never failed to make him just plain happy. Or maybe the person she is now, is truly who she was? That all this time, the girl he knew just wasn’t her, and now the real her is surfacing? If that was true, he knew he couldn’t stay with her any longer.

There was no use, anyway. She gave up trying to call him. As if her words will bring him back. Her words, which always came out wrong from her mouth, could never make him see her the way he had seen her in the first place. Oh, if I could get back the person I was before! The person who can laugh when it was time to laugh, cry when it was time to cry… the person who did everything right, who made everyone happy… but most important of all… who made him happy.

What’s the use? There was no point in life, now that he’s gone. It was him who kept her going… it was him who gave her a purpose in life… to make him happy. But she had failed. She failed him. She failed life.

She stood, watching the empty street that he had walked through. She turned the other way, her step shaken, as if she was walking on a tightrope. She couldn’t feel anything anymore. Her tears had gone dry; she was too tired to cry. Too tired to go on. Too tired to do anything. As she continued walking, her cell phone beeped. Sighing, she rummaged through her bag to find it, and pressed its buttons to read the new message. It was him.

I just want to let you know that whatever I do, my feelings for you will never change. I love you. Hang on… don’t let anything ruin you. Take care of yourself, for you, your family… and your lover.

 A smile dawned on her. A smile that turned into a laugh, then a cry, as the tears flow out of her eyes in joy. She walked on, never being as determined in her life, to return to her normal self, and to please the most important person in her life… herself.

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