Why I had to resign

8 working days until my resignation. . .

Setiap perempuan masa kini pasti tidak gampang memutuskan untuk resign dari full time job-nya demi mengurus rumah tangga. Apalagi dalam kasus gw, nyokap kerja full time udah 30tahunan lebih dan bisa dibilang beliau sendiri yg membiayai gw dan adik gw dr SMA sampai pada S2. (Don’t ask about what my late dad did) Dan suami pun mendukung 100% gw untuk bekerja supaya bisa mengaplikasikan ilmu yg gw dapat. Tapi jujur, I did not enjoy it that much. Entah karena memang bidangnya tidak sesuai passion, lingkungan kerja yg tidak mendukung gw berkembang, atau apapun itu. 

Yang jelas gw resah. Call me naïve, tapi gw resah karena gw ga bisa mendidik Raka dan spend time with him the way I want to. Gw resah karena gw juga gak bisa total melayani suami dari hal kecil masakin buat dia, bahkan nyiapin baju kantornya dia, karena malam gw capek pulang kerja (gets worse after 2^nd pregnancy, pulang kantor justru suami yg mijitin istri atau ngambilin makan atau minum kalau lagi tepar istrinya), pagi2 pas dia siap2, gw masih tidur karena malam2 buta gw pasti lagi begadang nemenin Raka, jd gw harus tidur lagi abis Subuh kalau nggak gw lemes di kantor. Terus kapan dong gw bisa jadi istri sholehah yg ngurus keluarga?

Dari dulu emang gw gak berambisi punya karir cemerlang sih. Yg kebayang di pikiran gw, jujur, cuma bisa kuliah sampe S3. Tapi gw gak kebayang mau kerja jadi apa. Tapi gw haqqul yaqin bahwa niat gw adalah membangun keluarga yang sakinah, mawaddah, rahmah, barakah. Makanya gw bersyukur banget Allah mempertemukan gw sama Akang, yang kalau diliat, kita bagai langit dan bumi, dan saking bedanya kita it seems impossible that we were destined to meet at all. Dari pergaulan aja udah beda, umur juga beda jauh, ya paling suku aja kali ya yang mirip.. tapi namanya takdir Allah. 

Allah baik banget sama gw menjodohkan gw dengan suami gw yg ternyata everything that I’ve been looking for. Gw gak pernah niat nyari suami ganteng, kaya, dll. Jaman galau dulu sambil nangis2 di sajadah gw cuma minta Allah kasih gw jodoh yg bisa mendekatkan diri gw kepadaNya. Yg sevisi sama gw dalam tujuan pernikahan, yaitu in the end, meraih surgaNya. As simple as that. Jadi, gak perlu waktu lama sebelum akhirnya Akang dulu menanyakan ke gw tujuan pernikahan itu apa, dan ternyata sejalan dengan dia. So, 2 bulan saja cukup untuk dia akhirnya menyatakan akan meminang gw dari pertama kali berjumpa dengan gw.  (ehm, although, we did feel that chemistry the first time we saw each other, padahal waktu itu belum kenal sama sekali!). Meskipun dalam prakteknya, 6 bulan kemudian baru resmi khitbah atau dilamar dan 6 bulan lagi akhirnya menikah (jadi dulu gwnya gak diijinin kawin sebelum lulus S2, pas lulus, gak bisa buru2 karena jadwal Akang yg masih kuliah di negeri kangguru sono).

Jadi sekarang, gw punya suami baik hati dan bertanggungjawab. Gw kadang merasa I did not do enough for him in return. Sebagai istri, I could have done more. Ya yang namanya istri pastinya harus berbakti pada suami dong. He’s done his part as good husband and father.. and what have I done as his wife and mother to his kids?

So then I resigned from my full time job. Hari ini, seperti diingatkan lagi kenapa gw harus resign. Awalnya baca postingan di blog langganan punya Indah, trus tiba2 lagi stalking FB temen melalui akun suami, nemu cerita ini. Dan semalam, Akang ngasih tahu kalau salah satu temen kita ada yang cerai. Kata Akang, mungkin karena si istri kurang ngurusin suaminya, karena yg kita lihat dia emang kebanyakan ‘gaul’, main mulu sama temen2nya, suami dan anak2 ditelantarkan. Kenapa Akang berpikiran gitu? Karena Akang guru ngaji anak2nya. Mereka susah banget belajar ngajinya karena gak pernah diajarin di rumahnya. Dan Akang mempertanyakan, si ibunya ini gak kerja, trus kerjanya di rumah ngapain aja kalau anak2nya gak diajarin ngaji dan akhlak yang baik? Padahal keluarga itu aktif di TPA dan kegiatan2 sosial lainnya. Jadi Akang pesan sama gw, Raka harus gw yg ngajarin ngaji nanti. Oiya, beberapa hari sebelumnya juga, gw cerita ke Akang kalau ada ibu2 yg datengin gw ke kantor mau daftarin anaknya sekolah di luar negeri. Dia tanya2 macem2, karena tujuannya biar anaknya dapet pendidikan, lingkungan dan pekerjaan yg bagus nantinya. Kenapa? Karena, dia bilang, suaminya udah berapa kali wanti2 ke dia “Pokoknya anak2 tanggungjawab kamu! Kalau mereka kenapa2 sekolahnya atau pergaulannya, saya salahin kamu!” dan Akang bilang, "Si bapak gak salah ngomong kayak gitu. Yang namanya ibu memang kurang lebih tanggungjawab sama anak2nya apalagi kalau dia nggak kerja, berarti waktunya harus lebih didedikasikan buat mendidik anak2nya dengan baik."

Jadi for now, I’m really not interested in any full time job. Justru gw lagi nyari kesempatan untuk kuliah lagi, karena sebenarnya dari dulu itu yang gw pengen. Apalagi dengan ada anak2, gw juga bisa ngajak mereka keluar negeri dan kasih mereka kesempatan hidup di negara, atau kota, yang lebih child-friendly (face it, Jakarta is NOT child-friendly: pollution, traffic that keeps parents away from children for longer times, education system that’s costly but not necessarily good quality, etc etc). 

Kalau masalah gw kehilangan penghasilan, ya masih berpendapat tiap anak ada rejekinya. Selama ini Akang did a great job keeping the family together in terms of finance, gaji gw jarang dipake buat kebutuhan keluarga tapii gak banyak juga yang bisa ditabung or diinvestasikan karena habis di ongkos dan pengeluaran pribadi that comes with the job. Jadi I'm not too worried with the consequences of single income. Masalah gw tidak punya ruang mengaktualisasi diri – apalagi dengan embel2 gelar Master dari LN – well, I never felt this job gave me that ‘room’ anyway. Maybe in another job. Or maybe, aktualisasi diri gw justru saat gw berkutat dengan proposal riset or actually doing the research itself. Artinya, mungkin passion gw ada di kerjaan lain yang bisa bikin gw merasa bisa mengaktualisasi diri. Jadi, resigning from this position gak membuat gw kehilangan kesempatan aktualisasi diri, karena selama ini gak merasa gitu anyway.

What a long and emotional post. Airmata udah di ujung pelupuk pas nulis tentang Akang (feeling guilty here). Semoga setelah gw resign, dikasih kesempatan jadi istri dan ibu yang lebih baik. My husband never asks for anything, never complains to me, even though I never gave him much. It’s time I do what I’m supposed to do, my full time job is being wife to Akang and mother to Raka and Rai. That's all that matters.

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Pride and Prejudice's Elizabeth Bennet

Kalau ditanya siapa tokoh fiksi paling inspiratif, jawaban saya: Elizabeth Bennet. Siapa itu Elizabeth Bennet? Dia adalah tokoh utama di novel Pride and Prejudice karya Jane Austen yang terbit di tahun 1813. Novel ini kemudian difilmkan, yang terkenal versi 2005 dimana Elizabeth diperankan oleh Keira Knightley.

Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet versi miniseri BBC,
my favourite adaptation of Pride and Prejudice (photo credit)

Elizabeth Bennet adalah gadis berusia 20 tahun, anak kedua dari 5 bersaudari. Karakternya menyenangkan, humoris, cakap dan pandai, sangat kontras dengan keluarganya, baik kedua orangtuanya maupun saudari-saudarinya (kecuali satu, Jane, si sulung yang manis, dan yang paling dekat dengan Elizabeth). Novelnya sendiri bercerita tentang bagaimana Elizabeth memiliki pendirian yang kuat tentang pernikahan dan menikah, dimana pada saat itu pernikahan tidak semata didasarkan cinta tetapi demi prestise, kekayaan dan keberlangsungan keluarga. Juga diceritakan hubungannya dengan Mr Darcy, pria kaya raya yang (terkesan) sombong dan arogan (hence, "proud"), sehingga Elizabeth benci padanya di awal cerita. Meskipun terungkap di akhir cerita bahwa prasangka Elizabeth (her "prejudice") tidak benar.

Saya kagum sekali dengan Elizabeth karena dalam novel digambarkan betapa dia perempuan yang kuat dan cerdas and stands for what she wants or what she believes in, walaupun hidup di masa dimana perempuan jarang digambarkan seperti itu. Saking kagumnya, saya yang ngefans sejak pertama kali baca novel ini pas SMP (dan ga bosen2nya dibaca ulang meski bahasanya jadul :D), berniat memberi nama putri saya kelak dengan nama "Elizabeth" atau "Lizzy" (tapi kata teman saya, masa nama anak kaya merk tas atau cendol :p *no offense untuk yg bernama Elizabeth* :))

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Nganga

What's bothering my mind dari hasil check up ke dokter kemarin.. Well overall sih pulang dari situ saya seneng, senyum2, meskipun ga ketemu Babybee dan malah periksa dalam (which, surprisingly, is not as scary as I thought!). But before I tell the good news, cerita yang ga enak dikeluarin dulu yah, biar lega sininyaa hehe (baca: less galau)

Jadi kemarin kan lebih banyak cerita proses melahirkan, which, menurut Budokter, waktu saya tinggal sebentar lagi (heh, bocoran, itu untuk post berikutnya ya!). Seperti diketahui, persalinan itu prosesnya ada tiga (atau empat?), yaitu kala 1 (pembukaan 1-10), kala 2 (persalinan/kelahiran bayi), kala 3 (pengeluaran plasenta), dan ada beberapa yg menambahkan kala 4 (tahap pengawasan). Kebanyakan dari kita membayangkan persalinan pas di kala 1 yaitu sakit2nya kontraksi dan pas kala 2, yaitu pas bayi lahir.. setelah itu rasanya udah selesai ya. Padahal, kata Budokter, masa2 kritis dan rawan itu justru pas kala 3 dan sesudahnya.

Wichi: Dok, kalo jarak antara lahirnya bayi dan keluar plasenta itu berapa lama?
Budokter: Kira2 rata2 30 menit, kenapa?
WY: Nggak, pengen tau aja
BD: Melahirkan bayi itu gampang.. yang bahaya itu setelahnya. Maksudnya, bukan bahaya, tapi masa2 kritis (Yang harus diwaspadai) itu adalah setelah plasenta keluar. Bayangkan tadinya plasenta menempel ke rahim, lalu keluar, pembuluh darah di rahim menganga semua. Makanya rahim harus kontraksi agar pembuluh darahnya menutup.
WY: Emang ga bisa dok, dijepit gitu biar ditutup? (jadi si Oneng pikir kontraksi itu biar si mulut rahimnya nutup supaya ga bisa ada perdarahan)
BD: Itu pembuluh darah yang banyak pada terbuka akibat keluarnya plasenta, satu2nya cara ya dengan kontraksi, dia akan menutup kembali. Kalau masih ada perdarahan harus dilakukan tindakan, resiko terparahnya rahim harus diangkat. (!!!)

Jadi maksud Budokter yang harus "dijepit" itu bukan ibarat sumbat yang ada dibawah kita ya Bu-ibuu (ini mah pikiran si Eneng Oneng aja). Maksudnya si pembuluh darah yang sekian banyaknya yang tadinya terhubung dengan plasenta lalu terbuka karena si plasenta keluar dari rahim. Kalau dia tidak bisa menutup, terjadilah pendarahan. Pendarahan ini juga bisa dipicu dengan penyakit yang diderita ibu, misalnya anemia parah atau apa lagi ya lupaa (yg keinget cuma Insya Allah Alhamdulillah dari sekian yg disebut saya tidak menderita itu). Kata Budokter lagi, ada yg bilang kalo melahirkan bayi besar beresiko pendarahan, tapi tidak juga, karena kakaknya yang ke-3 (eh banyak aja kakaknya, Dok! --OOT) anak2nya kecil2 tapi mengalami pendarahan saat melahirkan. <-- sukanya dokter cewek gini nih, jadi UUC alias ujung-ujung2nya curcol haha <3

Budokter juga menegaskan mengapa IMD menjadi penting, ya karena dia akan memicu hormon oksitosin yang merangsang kontraksi dan pada akhirnya mencegah pendarahan. Nanti juga setelah kala 3 suster dan bidan bakal pencet2 perut kita supaya rahim kontraksi.

Yak, sehari setelah dari dokter, kok saya mulai horror membayangkan ini yah. Kebayang2 pipa2 berwarna merah segar menganga2 terbukaa.. >___< Miss banget sebelumnya, yang kepikiran cuma setelah melahirkan Babybee dan bisa IMD kayaknya udah selamat aja. Padahal belum lewat fase yang paling kritis.. rata2 kematian ibu melahirkan juga disebabkan karena pendarahan ini, yang mana di Indonesia AKI (Angka Kematian Ibu) termasuk tinggi yaitu 228 per 100.000 (gila gw hapal loh! ngeriii!!).

Makanya sekarang dirajinin banget nih ngaji, shalat malam, dan yg penting banyak2 istighfar. Kalo kenapa2 kan dosa2 harus diampuni dulu ya sama Allah... Meskipun, InsyaAllah, katanya melahirkan itu jihadnya perempuan.. kalo jadi mujahidah itu masuk surga kan ya? Yaa.. bukannya parno or lebay (okay maybe a bit), but better be prepared for all consequences.

Jadi para pembaca budiman.. doakan saya yaa.. semoga bisa melewati segala proses persalinan dengan lancar dan sehat sentausa baik Babybee maupun ibunya.. Sing sehat, sing dilindungi ku Gusti Alloh.. amiin amiin ya Rabbal 'alamiin...

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The Scimitar and the Veil: Extraordinary Women of Islam

Author	Heath, Jennifer.
Title	The scimitar and the veil : extraordinary women of Islam / Jennifer Heath.
Publisher	Mahwah, N.J. : Hidden Spring, c2004.

I. "Paradise lies at the feet of the mothers" : in the beginning : women of the prophetate -- II. "That does not come from you, but from her behind the curtain" : scholars of the Hadith -- III. "Be like wax and illumine the world. Be like a needle and work naked" : ascetics, saints, and mystics -- IV. "If you do not fall in battle, someone is saving you as a token of shame" : warriors and amazons -- V. "Drink from this cup, then be gracious to her who sent it by paying a visit after sunset" : rebels and concubines -- VI. "Listening stirs the heart to see god" : musicians and dancers -- VII. "We have left the account for the day of accountings" : rulers, regents, queen mothers, and philanthropists -- VIII. "To educate a woman is to educate the whole world ..." : tradeswomen and learned ladies -- IX. "Enjoy life! Who cares what people say?" : poets -- The five pillars of Islam.

The Scimitar and the Veil is a book written to introduce, and perhaps improve the perceptions of Western people on Muslim women. It accounts very comprehensively the history of famous or at least recorded Muslim women from the first woman to become a Muslim (Khadijah bint Khuwaylid RA) to queens, poets and tradeswomen of the 19th century.

So it is a very comprehensive book, around 465 pages.. and took me 2 months to finish reading it. And what do I think about it?

Well, the author has really gone to great lengths to research and write on these remarkable Muslim women. I became very engaged in the beginning, in the first section on the first Muslim women, those whose lives are personally touched by the physical presence of Prophet Muhammad SAW. How lucky they are to know him personally.. and to be loved by him! I've read before their stories, especially Prophet Muhammad SAW's wives or Ummul Mu'minin, such as Khadijah bint Khuwaylid RA and Aisyah bint Abu Bakr RA, but I was never able to really engage with it. I guess the stories or books I read were more of a historical account. What is different about this book is that it is (sometimes overly) romanticised. It actually portrayed the personal feelings of these women. Like how Khadijah RA dreamed of Muhammad SAW. It was told in this book that she went up to the roof of her house to get some air, then she watched a group of traders walked past and saw that Muhammad SAW was shining. It accounted, with dialogue, how anxious she was after she proposed to Muhammad SAW. And the part about Aisyah RA were also documented in such a way that I could actually feel what she was feeling and really could imagine what she is like. So it wasn't like reading a textbook (I used to feel this way when reading the previous books on Ummul Mu'minin).

Although, I'm sure a lot of people, particularly Muslim, would object that such great women are portrayed in this way. I mean who really knows for sure that Khadijah actually said or thought, or what the other Ummul Mu'minin thought in their hearts. So I think some of the dialogues are made up, just to spice up the story.. but I love it! I imagine too that those reading this book, especially women, would want a romantic story rather than a textbook-like account.

Other extraordinary women that were portrayed were scholars, warriors, queens, rulers, queen-mothers, tradeswomen, mystics, etc.. but mostly it really showed its "girl power" promise through the accounts of women warriors and rulers. I think the author is trying to say that "girls can really rawk" by going to war and even ruling a whole kingdom and be in power over men. Well, okay. I'm not really into this part. I don't like any accounts of war of violence, especially when women are involved. As for women leaders, well, surprisingly, I'm not into that either. I am totally into girl power, but I believe sometimes women and men have their place, naturally.

I'm not saying I oppose of women leaders and warriors. Just not interested. I am more interested in women who tend to their family more, and do it in piety of Allah and really happy doing it. Now that's girl power. ;)

I'm also not able to engage with chapters III, V and VI on saints/mystics, rebels/concubines and musicians/dancers respectively. Chapter III told about Muslim women ascetics or mystics, or in Islam we call them Sufi. Personally, I don't really approve of Sufism or those who submit to Islam in such a way they ignore other people or the environment around them. As if the only thing matters is their relationship to Allah SWT. Islam, in my view, is a very communal and social religion. That is why it is so comprehensive. So this chapter tells Muslim women, who, through their constant devotion in praying, crying, loving Allah SWT were able to perform miracles. Hmm.. really? I'm a bit skeptic on this.

The chapter on rebels and concubines also didn't appeal to me. Who likes the word "rebel" and "concubine" and have them associated with Muslim woman? Not me. Especially how they stated that Prophet Muhammad SAW had a concubine who was a Christian, Maria al-Qibtiyyah. If concubine here means it is a "secondary wife", then fine. But if it means a woman who is not legally married to him, but cohabits with him.. then I'm a bit concerned. The concubines that were portrayed here were those "residing in a harem and kept, as by a sultan, for sexual purposes". *sigh* Are men allowed to do this? And they are sultan, too! Those with high power. Isn't this zina? Although it is interesting to read about the politics going on in the harem with these concubines, I am a bit upset how it is connected to Islam with its strict sanction of zina. The next chapter on musicians and dancers also gave me a similar feeling with the previous chapter, as musicians and dancers are mostly associated with concubines who had these talents to be presented to please her master or sultan.


To be honest, the only chapter I thoroughly enjoyed was the first one. Towards the end it got boring for me, since it was too long and maybe I just got bored, so I started skipping pages, stories, and sometimes a whole chapter. The last chapter I didn't even bother to read. But I was able to read the part of how the person responsible for trades in Aceh and Gresik are women! I think that's the only time Southeast Asian women were mentioned. Which was sad, Cut Nyak Dien or RA Kartini should have had their places in this book. Most women portrayed originated from the Middle East, Africa or East Asia. Which got me thinking, if a similar book were to be written on Muslim women 20th century onwards..would Indonesia have gained more portion? After all, we are the largest Muslim country in the world...


Nevertheless, although there were some points I didn't agree on, I do agree this book is quite a treasure. Those wanting to learn about real Muslim women in history should read this book, especially women. Though I don't recommend it to men.. they might get boring reading the romanticised parts and may get the wrong ideas on the parts about concubines, polygamy, etc.


And I would just like to clarify some points that could be misleading Islam in this book:
1. Although in Islam polygamy is allowed, as stated in the Qur'an, but the conditions of it have to be met, i.e. the man is able to be just to his wives in all cases, the latter marriage is endorsed by the previous wife, etc.
2. Having concubines, meaning women not legally married to a man but can be involved in sexual relationships with them, are not allowed in Islam. This is called zina, and the sanction in the Qur'an is very severe. In fact, it is said one of the reasons polygamy can be allowed is to prevent committing the sin of zina.
3. The consumption of alcohol for drinks is prohibited in Islam. In this book the characters were described as drinking wine and even getting drunk. Prohibition of alcohol is debatable, though, some say that if it is in an amount that is not dangerous i.e. doesn't get the person drunk, then it is okay. As long as they don't get drunk. But for me, no alcoholic drinks (please note, it's drinks! not legal medicines) can go through my throat, thank you!
4. On the veil. From my readings, discussions, etc.. I have come to believe that the most important is the veil of the heart, rather than physical veil. But I do really recommend women to wear very decent clothes and not showing their body parts. For me, personally, that is a dignified woman who loves herself and most importantly loves Allah SWT. ;)

Wichi's verdict: unputdownable | read | skim | pass

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