Healing is not Linear.. one step at a time

After a month of treatment, it does feel different. Not a lot, a little, but it matters. There are days when it's bearable, and I seem hopeful... but there are days when I need to retreat or it still felt regressed. That's the process I guess. Though this is only extinguishing the fire, I have yet to deal with the source of the fire, why it keeps lighting up in the first place. It's ok, we'll deal with it one step at a time. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal.. Allahumma inni as alukal 'afiyah 🤲

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Blessings, Battles, and Becoming

So it's been almost 6 years since my last post 😅

So much has happened, yet much stayed the same. The biggest change is probably... I'm not a mother of sons anymore, I now have a daughter 🥹 It completely changed my life upside down. I'm saying oh my God yes it's really hard, BUT it is also a joy and a blessing that I am everyday grateful to Allah for. Alhamdulillah bi ni'mati tatimush shalihat. Love you, Naira 😘

So why am I on here? Yep, you guessed it. I'm on social media detox. On my previous detoxes it was only the most frequent socmed I use (ehem, IG), but now I uninstalled them all: IG, FB, TikTok (though the 2 I rarely use). Why?

Remember my last post about me having anxiety and dark days during Covid? Well it creeped again and this time I couldn't handle it without a professional, considering so much was at stakes this time in regards to family and work commitments. So yeah, I sought professional help and it was confirmed I had diagnosis that required me to be medicated. I'm not comfortable telling the whole story yet so I'll probably just post bits to help me cope with it without explaining myself (since I don't have to anyway), since writing is a form of therapy. I know it'll be a long road, it's not an easy one, I'm dealing with everything that comes with it, the effect of the illnesses and also the effects of the medication. But I'm generally happy and relieved taking that brave step to help myself, so the "side effects" I'm sure will wear off with time, and I'll get better and in remission of all the meds (including the ones I've been taking almost 6 years for) in the near future. AAMIIN 🤲

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Wow 2020...

In the last post, I mentioned how 2020 is gonna be waay different than previous years. That big changes are gonna happen. Well here we are halfway through 2020 aaanndd whoopdeedoooo... HELLO CORONAVIRUS!!!!

The thought of always be indoors excited the introvert in me at first. But I forgot that I am also prone to anxiety. And so that anxiety kicked in... and it got me bad. Being cooped up indoors, having plenty of time for yourself is not always good if you've got anxiety issues. I ended up really minimizing contact with the outside world. I got off social media because it was making me feel bad watching other people being more than I am. I didn't participate in conversations in whatsapp groups. I didn't join any Zoom meetings and webinars unless I had to. I only focused on work. Which was a challenge in itself. I'll write another post (re: sambat) on how hard I worked to deliver 7 classes to almost 200 students where 2 subjects are completely new to me and not easy to master (1. Statistics, 2. Data Science... modyarrrrr!!!! haha). I literally worked 24/7, since the internet only worked well and with abundant quota starting from 1am to 6pm #ogahrugi

So yeah, the past few months haven't been easy. I had anxiety attacks, dark dark days where I could stay awake at night and not sleep for 24 hours straight even during Ramadan, or worse, sleep for more than 10 hours during the day.. as sleeping meant I didn't have to think of the bad things that were poisoning my mind. My family just thought I was sick. Which is true. I made myself physically sick from all the mental load I was bearing. I made frequent chats to Halodoc app, because during the course of those #stayathome days I had bad gastritis and GERD and normal gastritis medicine didn't help anymore, my ear infections kept coming every month, I kept getting headaches which caused me to buy a blood pressure monitor and home kits that measured your cholesterol, glucose and uric acid (at my last checkup, those levels were high above the normal >_<). Which then confirmed that I really was having high blood pressure. (But I still can't use the home kits since it's hard apparently to prick yourself and draw your own blood....)

Things have gotten better in the past weeks. I don't know exactly what the turning point was. Maybe because I prayed a lot, and it finally helped. So I started to come out of my shell. I installed social media apps. I responded in group chats. I started to feel more positive.

That's not to say that I'm not going back to those days. I guess I came to know myself better. It still could happen. My anxiety will still get the better of me sometime in the future. I've come to realise that it may be genetic, it's something I was born or it's always in me to be this way. I came to know this because being with your children 24/7 made you know more about them. And what I learn about my son Raka is that he's exactly like me. He gets anxious and overthinks to the point that sometimes he gets nightmares, or just cries because he's worried sick of things that we might think are trivial. So I always pray that he will always remember to turn to Allah when those anxious feelings attack, because I will not always be around to soothe him forever, and that it's futile to expect other humans to soothe you if you don't turn to Allah first.

So, that's the great lesson I learned. Another great lesson I learned is from reading Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. I haven't finished yet, it's a HUGE book. But the first tip really talked through me: LIVE FOR TODAY. Coincidentally, a psych I follow on Instagram recently posted the same thing. It's the mantra for anxious people: LIVE FOR TODAY. Don't think about tomorrow and stop dwelling in the past. Just do your best for today. Ikhtiar untuk hari ini dan berikan yang terbaik untuk mencapai masa depan yang indah. Kira-kira begitu deh.

Kalau sempet next post I will spill more about that.

PS: Gw lupa kalau bisa posting blogger pake email. Dulu jaman ngantor suka begini pake email kantor. Biar gak ketauan lagi ngeblog tapi lagi kirim email kantor. Dan jadinya, berasa gw lagi ngirim surat ke seseorang gitu.. dan gak ribet kan mesti buka blogger dulu ❤ semoga jadi rajin lagi ngepostnyaa

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20/20

I can feel it already. 2020 is a year of changes. Like, big totally life-changing events are/will be going on.

Changes in career. In relationships. I. Mind and body. (Tapi jumlah anak kykny tetep sih #kutetepusahadanakangteteppuasberanakdua 😅)

Tapi awal tahun aku selalu optimis. Berhasil mengubah arah, bikin kebiasaan baru dll dsb... Lalu masuk tengah sampe akhir tahun it all comes spiralling down. Setelah kupelajari selama bertahun2 siklus hidupku seperti itu. Akhir tahun itu adalh darkest of dark days. Awal tahun penuh optimisme dan keceriaan. How do I know? Selain dari memori juga dari postingan Instagram diri. Hahaha. Lumayan ya jadi buat refleksi diri. Dan mungkin itu yang akan jadi pembeda tahun ini dengan tahun2 sebelumnya. Aku jadi lebih self aware. Jadi lebih mikir ini maudi Awa kemana sih? Maybe analogous with Prophet Muhammad shalallahu alaihi wasallam's own quest upon entering 40 years old.. (eh tapi kumasih ada beberapa taon sebelum 40 yaa....) Kalau kata Ust Harry Santosa penggerak Fitrah Based Education usia 40 itu saatnya menerima misi hidup dari Sang Khalik. Jadi wajar biasanya manusia mengalami kegalauan. Orang Barat bilangnya midlife crisis kali ya.

Ketika ada masalah di kantor, Akang nanya "is this career path what you really want to do for the rest of your professional life?" Mengingat kepusingannya di kantor sama fruit child milenial yang labil soal kerjaan (kasiannya Akang si Gen Y yang beristrikan anak milenial). Dikiranya anak muda seumuran istrinya (iyain aja masih anak muda) semuanya susah settle di 1 kerjaan. (gw udah pindah profesi 4x sih selama lulus S1). Akhirnya memutuskan untuk berubah. Masih di jenis karier yang sama karena sudah kadung memulai (dan adalah pekerjaanku yg paling lama dijalani) tapi akan mengalami perubahan supaya bisa tetap menjalani dengan maksimal. Doakan ya gaes :')

Lalu awal tahun demi mendukung perubahan diri itu, aku beranikan MCU. Karena emang gak ada fasilitas kantor ya nunggu bonusan dari koreksian ujian dan sidang skripsi. Hasilnya wow mencengangkan. Berhasil turn my life around. Dari yang doyan rebahan,a mikir gimana bisa mencapai target 6000 steps per hari. Dari yang makan apa aja yg penting happy, akhirnya mulai nyetok lebih banyak sayur dan kembali ke dapur masak lagi minimal untuk diri sendiri. Dari yang segala request kerjaan dijalani, sekarang bomat, kalo emang cape ya jujur bilang cape, sakit.

Aiu inget ada orang deketku yg bilang : KANTOR BISA CARI ORANG LAIN UNTUK GANTIIN KAMU. TAPI CUMA ADA SATU WICHI. SUAMI DAN ANAK2 CUMA PUNYA SATU ISTRI DAN IBU.

That's all that matters right?

Kalau di ilmu optometri 20/20 vision adalah penglihatan sempurna. I may not ever be free from eyeglasses, but I am determined to have clearer vision of my life in 2020. Semoga tercapai. Aamiin.

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The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up - Marie Kondo (Pre Challenge 3 KIMI 2020)

Pre Challenge KIMI berikutnya adalah me-review buku, ada 3 judul yang jadi pilihan. Pilihanku jatuh pada buku The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up oleh Marie Kondo. Sebenarnya sebelumnya sedang membaca buku ini, sudah sekitar 1/5nya, tapi terus gak diselesaikan. Begitu dikasih challenge, mau coba baca buku Emotional Healing Therapy-nya Irma Rahayu, dengan download e-booknya di app iPusnas dan iJak tapi puyeng bacanya kecil2 hurufnya. Belilah buku preloved di online, ternyata edisi pertama banget yang agak out of date. Akhirnya beli lagi yang edisi terakhir. Tapi eh tapi, aku pusing bacanya. Mengorek luka lama, trauma yang kupendam muncul ke permukaan, jadi kepikiran. Daripada aku sengklek, karena akhir2 ini benar2 membutuhkan kewarasan, jadi takdirnya disuruh konsisten dari awal, yaitu balik lagi baca buku Marie Kondo sampai selesai.

Oke, mari mulai membahas bukunya ya. First of all, terjemahan judul Bahasa Indonesianya does not do the book justice "seni beres-beres dan metode merapikan ala Jepang"? Padahal yang dibahas lebiih dari cara beres2 dan merapikan tapi sesuai judulnya, bagaimana beres2 bisa mengubah hidup. Dan memang, bukunya harus dibaca dengan hati terbuka dari awal sampai akhir. Karena baca awal2 aku belum klik, makanya trus ditaro dan ga dipegang2 lagi sampai diminta baca sama KIMI. Dan pas ketika aku baca lagi, justru masuk ke bagian menariknya yang bikin aku "ooo... gitu... waaahhh... iya bener banget...." dan sebagainya :)

I am (was?) a self-proclaimed and proud to be a messy person.


via GIPHY

Aku pikir karena efek dari kecil punya pembantu, gak pernah beresin my own mess at home. Dan gak pernah diajarin sama Mama "anak gadis gak boleh slordeuh". Tapi kalo dipikir2 adikku kan sama ya, nah dia itu resik banget dari kecil. Beda sama kakaknya yang masih bisa berfungsi dalam kubangan baju atau buku 🙈 Padahal dia cowok dan aku cewek. Sampai2 suka disindir dan jadi bahan beranteman beneran sama suami, karena suamiku itu sama seperti adikku. Cowok resik, yang pulang kantor belum ganti baju langsung beres2 rumah (baca: menata barang2 pada tempatnya).

Padahal, ternyata, menurut Marie Kondo, kondisi rumah menggambarkan kondisi yang punyanya. Kalau yang punyanya sobat ambyar ya wajar rumahnya berantakan. Orang yang berantakan atau suka menimbun barang sebenarnya memiliki masalah keterikatan pada masa lalu atau kecemasan pada masa depan (hal.174). Nah ini aku banget... gimana mau hidup tenang kalau kerjaannya hidup di masa lalu dan overthinking mengkhawatirkan masa depan?? Ternyata itu tercermin dari apa yang ada di rumah kita. Kata Marie:

 "keterikatan pada masa lalu dan kekhawatiran akan masa depan tidak hanya memengaruhi cara Anda memilih barang yang Anda miliki, tetapi juga merepresentasikan kriteria apa yang Anda jadikan patokan dalam tiap aspek kehidupan Anda, termasuk pekerjaan dan hubungan Anda dengan orang-orang." (hal.174)

Nah terus gimana beres2 bisa mengubah hidup? Kata kuncinya: SPARK JOY. Hanya miliki barang yang membangkitkan kegembiraan. Yang setiap kita lihat, kita merasa bahagia atas kehadirannya. Dan menurutku, ini berlaku tidak hanya untuk barang, tapi untuk semua yang ada dalam hidup kita -- orang2, pekerjaan, dll. Just keep the ones that spark joy. Simpel kan?


via GIPHY

Yang aku suka dari buku ini, gak cuma kasih tips2 praktis gimana caranya bebenah, tetapi ya itu, ngasihtau kalo bebenah rumah is all about bebenah emosi dan bebenah hidup. Jadi beda dengan seni bebenah lainnya yang lebih teknikal dan logis, Marie Kondo ini malah nyuruh kita selami diri dan emosi. Hal-hal kecil seperti berterimakasih pada barang seusai kita menggunakannya (misal saat menanggalkan pakaian atau meletakkan tas beserta isinya) atau saat akan dibuang, atau menyapa rumah seolah dia hidup setiap kita kembali, tentunya membuat kita lebih bersyukur dan menghargai walaupun mereka hanyalah barang materiil nonhidup tapi juga kan pemberian Allah yang wajib disyukuri.

Jadi menurutku, kalau kita terapkan prinsip Marie Kondo ini, sebenarnya bisa membuat kita menjadi pribadi yang senantiasa bersyukur dan qanaah, dalam arti merasa cukup akan apa yang sudah diberi. Karena dengan mudahnya kita mendapat material things dan di era medsos dimana kita serba membandingkan dan berkompetisi, kadang sulit untuk bersyukur pada hal2 kecil di sekitar kita dan merasa selalu berkekurangan. Astaghfirullah.

Anyway, ketika dan setelah membaca buku, akhirnya saya mulai mempraktekkan. Dimulai dengan membereskan "komono" (barang printilan macam koin dll) dan kertas2 yang membuat meja kerja saya tidak bisa digunakan sebagaimana mestinya karena jadi tempat penyimpanan. Setelah itu Qadarullah si Raka sakit dan divonis dokter alergi udara. Which means kamar harus steril. Di kamarnya itu banyaaaakk banget barang mainan, baju dll. Padahal sempit kamarnya. Banyak banget PRnya, tapi dimulai dengan beresin 1 sudut berisi mainan, dapat 1 kantong besar sampah dan 2 kardus untuk disumbangkan. Besoknya beberes baju, berhasil membuang 1 plastik baju dan mendonasikan 4 plastik baju. Yang belum rak buku, rak printilan, dan masih ada 2 box mainan yang harus disortir kembali. Lha wong anaknya sekarang kerjaannya main Lego (dan action figure sesekali) doang sama nonton TV atau main PS. Setelah itu berencana beresin baju sendiri, tapi yang urgent ya kamar anak2 biar Raka lega tidur disitu. Karena printilan yg disimpan tentunya jadi sarang debu. Gak mau lagi lihat anakku mukanya bengep, bentol2 dan gatal2 karena debu atau tungau huhu.

Semoga kami bisa jadi sehat lahir batin dan bahagia dengan barang2 di rumah yang membangkitkan kegembiraan :)

#kimichallenge #thelifechangingmagicoftidyingup #KIMI2020

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RE-HEART

Pre-challenge KIMI 2020 yaitu nyeritain pengalaman ngulik album Mantra2 by Kunto Aji. Sebagai orang yg gampang baper denger lagu liriknya dimasukin hati, emosi juga diaduk2 dengerin album ini. Berasa ditampar, dipukpuk trus dipeluk kenceng2....

Semua lagunya sih relate bgt sama aku, ya SULUNG, ya REHAT, apalagi SAUDADE bikin brebes mili sesenggukan pas lagi nyetir keinget orangtua dan anak2 (yang berorangtuakan aku..). Errr intinya ya semua lagu pasti bisa kusambung2in sama keadaan diri, itulah kelebihan jiwa melankolis wkwk. Tapi berhubung dipilih 1 yg relate sama keadaan SAAT INI yaitu: JAKARTA JAKARTA. Agak antimainstream dgn pengalaman bebo lain yang membahas lagu yg berbeda tapi ya memang gitu kata Teh Achi.. perbedaan adalah fitrah.

Begitulah, aku korban keganasan Jakarta. Dengerin lagu ini abis perjalanan pulang yg sengaja dimalemin tp macetnya makin menjadi.. 12 jam keluar rumah, 4 jam dihabiskan di jalan dari mulai optimis, sampe mau nangis nelpon suami, sampe cuma bisa istighfar dan berdoa. Bahkan pas sampe rumah pun masih error, untuk pertamakalinya dalam hidup sampe ngeblank mendadak lupa cara parkirin mobil ke garasi, cuma bengong dgn mobil melintang di tengah jalan gak ngerti harus manuver gimana. Korslet otakku. Mau naik transportasi umum masih ga diijinin setelah kejadian kecopetan di stasiun minggu lalu.. yagitude klo diinget tiap pulang kantor seriiing kejadian nyerempet2 di garasi krn terlalu lelah markir, nabrak/ditabrak pernah sampe semua kap bemper belakang hrs diganti belasan juta, hp hilang, kartu emoney ratusan ribu hilang, sampe kadang mikir Gustii ini gak berkahnya dimanaaa... 😭

Mungkin orang yg nyari hidup di Jakarta menabah2kan diri karena mereka berjuang untuk bisa berada di titik sekarang. Aku yg udah dr lahir di Jakarta malah capek, tiap pergi ke kota kecil pasti langsung betah dan pengen tinggal terus disitu. Tapi suami yg betah di kota kecil justru excited dan fine2 aja tinggal dan kerja di Jakarta walaupun harus qerja baghai quda.

Dengerin lagu JAKARTA JAKARTA berasa dipukpuk diingetin klo aku gak sendiri, ya mungkin orang di mobil yg bikin macet, yang ngedorong ngedesek di kereta, copet yg ambil hpku.. semua punya masalah yg sama atau lbh berat dari aku. (Nasihat ini yang selalu dilontarkan suami setiap kumengeluh). "Benturkan, bentuklah dirimu!"

Doakan ya aku bisa tabah dan kuat menghadapi kondisi ini, diberi yg terbaik yg membuatku bisa sehat raga dan sehat jiwa.  Karena pada akhirnya, "mantra" paling magis adalah kata-kata terakhir di album ini yaitu di lagu BUNGSU:

Sebelum kau menjaga

Merawat melindungi segala yang berarti

Yang sebaiknya kau jaga

Adalah dirimu sendiri

BYARR!!!

#reheart #kimichallenge #kimi2020 #kimi5tahun #selfhealing #selflove

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Bye bye hypothetical baby

Maybe it's the fact that I am doing a netnographic research of Facebook groups on breastfeeding/child-rearing which discusses about breastfeeding and babies/young children in general, seeing my own kids grow up and be school-age children kinda made me miss the good ol' baby days. Then looking at feeds of people having babies gave me "baby fever", making me want to have (another) one of my own. Like, I even actually already have a name for this one (a girl's name of course).

via GIPHY

The thought of secretly taking off my IUD without telling my husband crossed my mind, haha, but I didn't really do it. But since it's been 5 years since I had it on, I think it's time to check it. I actually forgot if the IUD in me was for 5 or 7 years 🙈 But anyway so I told my husband that I have to do a check up on my IUD, if it's going to be removed, should I put a new one straight in or wait a while. (Critanya ngarep dicopot bentar gitu kan...) But, without hesitation, he told me to put it in straight away!

There goes my hope of holding a little baby (girl, please) 😥

But, only Allah has the power to bring life so ya never know *ever the optimistic aren't we?*

via GIPHY


Although the teeny tiny logical voice in me says that having my boys is enough, I'm overwhelmed as it is. A new kid is probably just an excuse from parenting the other two, which will be kind of sad if she does actually materializes in my womb.

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Cacar/chickenpox/varicella

December is always physically and mentally challenging for me. The end of semester means I'm busy with work (if you don't know already I'm a univeristy lecturer) and deadlines with my study as a PhD student, and this year I had to also deal with my first grader son having his first formal school exams. To top that December weather is not good for the health. Hence I always get sick in December. From harmless common colds to a type of measles to a trip to internist for gastrointestinal infection that made me unable to enjoy food due to my stomach hurting. Of course being the introverted psychosomatic that I qm, all these were induced by stress. I recall visiting a psych also in December to keep my mental health in check. (Okay this is the first time I admit seeing a shrink)

This year though tops the list with an unexpected case of chickenpox.

It first started after I came home from a conference in Samarinda. The next day I was beat, I stayed at home and thought my malaise was due to lack of rest since I've been out and about preparing for the trip and preparing my Dissertation Seminar. That means frequent trips to Bogor and Ciputat and also sleepless nights of dissertation and paper writing. I taught classes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. By Wednesday I was feeling worse. I was tired but had to teach 3 periods from 10am to 6pm. During the second perios there was a moment where I was standing in front of the class speaking and I lost my breath. I had been having these shortness of breath that day, walking up and down 1 flight of stairs left me breathless, as did speaking in class. It was like you just did a sprint and your heart is racing and you can't breathe. I felt I was going to pass out and faint. Luckily I managed to go through the class without anyone  noticing that I almost fainted. I ended my last class early so I could go straight home and rest. I came home with a fever and went straight to bed.

That day I also noticed in the bathroom while taking wudhu I had itchy spots on my neck that I thought was just pimples because I tend to have them there since I was always sweating. I didn't realise until the next day I had spots on my stomach and they looked like they were blistering (with a liquid inside, hence the Indonesian name cacar air). It was then that I realised I might be having chickenpox.

Since I realised at night, I couldn't go to the doctor right away. But when Akang came home I showed him my blistered spots and he told me they were chickenpox. I visited the doctor the next morning, more spots showed up and she confirmed they were the pox.

I was given the antivirus acyclovir tablets and lotion but I knew later it was too late to suppress the infection from spreading. I was also given antihistamine for the itch and that helped. i went to the doctor about day 4 after the first spot appeared and that day new ones kept appearing at a very fast rate. By day 5 I probably had about 100 spots. I had them like literally everywhere from head to toe. The worst ones were in my scalp (they were itchy and caused major headaches, I had to take high doses of painkillers to ease the pain, and shampoo everyday since they popped and crusted which were really gross), in my lady parts (since it hurt a lot and I was afraid because that's a sensitive area), and the soles of my feet because it became painful to walk so I had tonwear thick padded socks. Other that those parts, I had them on my ears, face, lips, tongue, inside of my mouth and throat, neck, chest, stomach, back, arms and legs. There weren't so many in my arms and legs, the spots were mainly around my back and my front upper body and my head (scalp, ears, face etc).

spots on my face

It was excruciating to stand up and walk. My house is 2 storeys, my room is upstairs. I couldn't even walk up and down the stairs to get to the kitchen without feeling like I was fainting. If I didn't have to do my Seminar I would've admitted myself to the hospital because I felt really bad.

The thing is, it would be more hassle if I postpone my Seminar. My doctor wouldn't give recommendation for me to do the seminar since I could infect people, but I called the admin at my uni and she said it was okay as long as I wear gloves and face mask.

The seminar was on Monday, I was diagnosed Friday. I spent the weekend resting to store my energy for the seminar. Thankfully I was fit enough to go to Bogor and Akang really helped by taking a day off work to accompany me. And the spots on my face were healing miraculously, the spots in the photo almost cleared. I jad been depressed that I had to deal with the aftermath of the spots but by the time I was doing thr seminar you barely noticed I had chickenpox spots. The seminar went well, it was truly Allah's helping hands that made it happen. Alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin.

So it lasted for 1 week. 1 week of physical pain but good rest, but I missed my boys since I had to sleep alone and I couldn't touch them. For someone who gains strength from hugs it was just as painful not being able to hug them for that week. I also missed the chores of taking care of them like bathing them, cooking for them or having meals with them... Akang did a great job keeping us together, he took very good care of me and I couldn't be more grateful. Thankfully our maid already had chickenpox so she really helped.

2 weeks later I noticed red spots on Raka. It was just a few and I thought they were insect bites. Raka had low grade fever but he was coughing and had a stuffed nose so I thought it was common cold. The next morning his temperature was back to normal after fever for 2 days, but there were more spots so I suspected he contracted chickenpox too. That morning I took him to the doctor who diagnosed him with the same: varicella. He was given the same medicine plus cough syrup. I am almost envious that he didn't feel weak or tired and had only about 10 spots which were due to the facts that:

• He is a child. Chickenpox symptoms in kids is milder than adults. So it is better to get it while little really. Take it from me who had frequent faint spells and looks like a witch that even my younger son was afraid and cried when I touched him.
• He had been vaccinated. Although I will never get over the guilt of not giving him a booster shot for varicella when the doctor already scheduled since almost 2 years ago.
• He was diagnosed and treated very early before the red spots became bumps or blisters so the antivirus worked in stopping the spread of the infection

chickenpox spots on Raka

He was playing as usual and his little brother couldn't be kept away from him (although we convinced them to sleep in different rooms). It was a good thing it was school holidays so at least he didn't miss school. I gave Imboost for Rayi so that he didn't get the pox too and Alhamdulillah as he almost always is, Rayi is healthy up to today. Those healthy eating regimen while pregnant with Rayi really paid off in maintaining his immunity and his love of healthy food that helps him to fight off infections.

December is almost ending. Although the weather may still be extreme but at least the storm in the house has passed. Raka's recovered, I still tire easily but overall in a better shape, Akang and Rayi as always the rocks (meaning they almost always healthy). I taught my last class a few days ago so I can focus on my dissertation, only 2 big steps to go. May 2019 be great for all of us.

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Still offline :)

Wow.... turns out I have been off Instagram for 3 months already. Although not 100% off, I didn't delete my account, just uninstalled the app on my phones. I gotta say it was a good decision. I think I was spot on in suspecting Instagram was the source of my deteriorating mental health.

Ironic, isn't it. Since I am a social media researcher who reports that social media is beneficial for mothers, but I myself find it toxic and had to leave for a while.

There are times when I felt, okay, maybe I'll just install it now that I've been off for quite some time. This has come up lately since I did pass my Seminar for dissertation (yay!) leaving 2 steps more in getting that PhD. So I thought I can handle it. But the better of me says "Nah, just wait out til you REALLY be granted your PhD (read: after my viva/Sidang Terbuka) then you can do whatever the hell you want.

So I'm just gonna have to settle with opening IG on my browser. Which means not being able to see videos on IG stories or reply to those stories. Not being able to really post (you can but it's a hassle using browsers). So where do I vent?? I initially thought I'd vent a lot here, on the blog. Or resort to Facebook instead (I didn't uninstall Facebook since I use it for my research and the Facebook app has features that the browser version didn't have that really supported my dissertation). But I'm giving myself a pat in the back for being able to bite my tongue and held back even though I'd half written the posts.

Like when I was telling the world I had a bad case of chickenpox that left me physically and mentally drained (I felt depressed because I look like a witch and I could hardly do anything).

Or when I finally did my Seminar, even though I was in the peak phase of my chickenpox. (I was wearing hand gloves and face mask and kept away from people..).

Or when the traffic is really, really bad (well, isn't it always the case?)

Or when I finally got on a plane and went to Borneo for a conference (Balikpapan and Samarinda checked off the list!).

Or random stuff with the kids.. like Raka's exams, their report cards, and Raka now contracting chickenpox from me. Thankfully, thanks to vaccines, he had it like 90% lighter than what I had. Only a day of fever, and like 10 spots. (I had about a hundred I think >_<). I'm now waiting for Rayi to finally get it, but since his immunity is usually very good, topped with taking Imboost and multivitamin and fruits, it'll be no surprise if he passes.

So what did I spend time with then? On the phone, I read e-books (currently reading The Introvert Advantage) and spending time nodding since I relate so much.. will review later), watch movies, read fanfics (*facepalm* my guilty pleasure.. I feel like I'm 20 years younger haha). And of course getting busy writing my dissertation chapters, journal articles, conference papers, etc... So yeah, it's been a productive 3 months. Only stressful because I had to get so much done.. but imagine if I spend those precious time just aimlessly scrolling through social media.. not only does the wasted time get me depressed, but the content also. It's not that I follow depressing accounts, but sometimes knowing other people's updates left me depressed to where I was standing. I'm sure people can relate, when you hear of someone's good news, there's a part of you that is like "OMG she's at that stage and I am not.." something like that.

Having a husband who is not active on social media helps. It makes me feel less like a weirdo since most people I know are active on at least 1 type of social media. Well it even improves my communication with him since I share more with him because I can't get on social media and vent. Thank you Akang for always responding my ga-penting Whatsapp messages :)

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When I finally realise it's October already

kerja di meja bawah, karena meja kerja di atas panas banget dan susah fokus ada anak2

Dari hari Ahad kemarin seharian ngoprek excel dan SPSS. Mabok makk.. Ternyata data yg masuk dari survei ulang gak secemerlang dulu.. dari 2 hari yg lalu stagnan di 80an (minimal 200 dari 400an yg dikirim). So I decided to work on the available data to do another validity and reliability analyses.. which as predicted Alhamdulillaah the results were way better. Then I decided to work on the remaining new data to actually do some statistical analyses. Which involves matching new and old data and that was a painstaking process... all this is for a paper for an upcoming conference next month. No, wait, make that 2 conferences.

I was preparing for an abstract deadline for 20th October and I thought "ok I can write up a 250word abstract by that time.. just need to have the results on by next week then I can write a hypothetical abstract in a few hours after that". Then last night a colleague from the office called asking me to participate in a conference in Kupang next month, full paper due by next week. Hahahah okaayy... I'll see what I can do. Since the Kupang conference is all expenses paid and she wanted me to accompany her I'm like okay I can do both. (Agak menyiksa diri gak sih ini?!?)

Jadi mulai ketar ketir setelah sadar udah Oktober. Target seminar hasil November (tadinya awal Okt tapi gak kekejar). Dan udah dikirim surat peringatan DO pula. Apa rasanya ya kalo di DO? Sampe bener2 kepikiran mungkin gak sih beneran after all these years.. 6 tahun mikirin sekolah, 5 tahun beneran berstatus mahasiswa, perjuangan semua yg dilalui...tiba2 gak selesai.... Mungkin gak sih? Bisa ridho?

Katanya sih harus visualisasi mimpi biar berhasil..tapi jujur gw gak berani lho ngebayangin gw lg sidang promosi atau wisuda pake toga di GWW. Takut gak kecapai huhu. Padahal dulu gw selalu visualisasi.. sampe pas naksir akang gw bayangin loh nanti pacaran di suatu tempat, nanti nikah seperti apa, dll dll dan itu GW BARU KENAL DIA. Hahahaha.

Semakin tua, semakin hilang nyali untuk bermimpi ternyata ya. Sedih.

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Alhamdulillah

Hellooooo!!

I am currently in the IPB Library. I had to attend other students' results seminar as requirement to conduct my own results seminar. I've still got a few more seminars to attend before the quota is filled. Anyway, it's also time to do my dissertation. Which took quite a turn.

Maksudnya gini, jadi karena kesalahan teknis (baca: kedodolan diriku) ada beberapa pertanyaan yang harus diganti dan ditanyakan ulang juga ada yang kelupaan ditanyain (apa2an sih ini calon doktor kok kek begini hah?!). Yawdalahya mo namanya calon doktor tapi ini kan survei kuantitatif pertamaku, jadi wajar lah kalo ada beberapa yang skip.

Alhamdulillahnya lagi karena surveinya online gak terlalu ribet yah nyari responden. Jadi jam 12 tadi kan kukirim tuh survei lanjutannya via email, eh 20 menit kemudian dicek udah 32 orang yang selesai ngisi surveinya (total yg udah buka 38 tapi sisanya belum selesai mungkin sibuk). Hamdalah banget kan... Pas survei awal pun yang diumumkan via Facebook itu gak sampai 2 hari kuota udah memenuhi dengan bonus 176 responden. Huwow amazing....

Alhamdulillah banget neliti buibu yang emang nature-nya saling support yahh.. Inget waktu posting link survei itu banyak responden yg jadinya ikut doain semoga lancar studinya, semoga bermanfaat dll dll... ahh kuterharuuu... pengen nangis banget bacanya.

Mudah2an dalam beberapa hari ke depan target responden tercapai jadi bisa cepet2 ngasih janji hadiah buat ibu2 hebat dan cepet2 dianalisis datanya biar bisa cepet nulis draft disertasi dan melewati proses2 lainnya.

Suffice to say, currently my life is taking a turn to be good (enough). I think it's because I was finally able to set my priorities straight, take drastic measures such as being off social media, turn back to Allah and do more of what HE pleases. Semoga this good streak lasts ya. I wouldn't want to think to have to go to a psychiatrist to sort me out (yep, doctoral studies is THAT stressful... I do have a patient card at the nearest mental hospital >_<)

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1 week so-called social media detox

So as I said in the previous post, I uninstalled Instagram. IG is the only social media I was active at. I have Facebook and Twitter accounts, Path as well. But I don't have apps for them in my phones so I only access them in my browser if I just need some information. Like Twitter I use to see bout traffic jams or rail (KRL) info when there's delays. Facebook I need for my dissertation research. Path was abandoned cos no one is on them anymore.

So I had the IG app on my phone and tab. And I was very active at it. It consumes my phone memory and my precious time 😅 I did think I was oversharing sometimes, although when I post I take careful consideration of its implications so there are numerous times I erased whatever I was about to post. The really tiring part was trying to keep up, indulge my FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), and trying to prove something. Lebay yak.. selebgram bukan tapi dibikin stres sendiri sama medsos haha.

Anyway the problem was I couldn't handle it. I took up precious time that i could spend writing, doing research, or engage with my family by being glued to my phone. Trus buat apa? It didn't really increase the quality of my life by playing every IG story or looking at every post.

Soo in the few days I went off social media turns out I can't totally stay away. Because apparently you can open IG on your browser. I opened my FB more often (tapi ga lama2 krn buka FB otomatis ngingetin disertasi). I can't see people's snapgrams but I watch their whatsapp statuses which is kinda the same. Ahahah.

Tapi gapapah... Small steps ya. Although I am still glued to my phone and tab, tapi bukanya ebook atau browsing news. Lebih bermutu ya seenggaknya. And it is relieving to not (have to) know and kepo on other people's lives. To not mentally thinking of instagrammable moments but just enjoynthem. Take photos because you want to cherish them for yourself and not the sake of content.

Wow I think I have found a new reseacrch topic: scale of depression and social media use. (This has been extensively researched I think but not in Indonesian context which is interesting krn socmed stars diIndonesia banyak bnget dan netyjennya luchu2 jd penisirin kek apa hasilnya)

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Gone there, back here

Sejak Path resmi mengumumkan tutup, baru kerasa ya sedihnya. Kenapa ninggalin Path ikut2an main IG. Padahal I got real connections and better experience in Path. Instagram felt too superficial and in the end became toxic for me. Too toxic that I decided to uninstall it for the time being last night.

Awalnya berani unfollow atau hide story. Lama2 muak ya uninstall sekalian. Belum berani tutup akun dulu karena rencananya untuk sementara aja. Karena lagi ikut kuliah online yg mana tugas2 dipost di IG. Dan gw blm bikin samsek dong padahal udah selesai kuliahnya 😌

Istilahnya social media detox kali ya. Walaupun jadinya lari ke blog (blogs are considered social media) tapi berhubung blog itu engagement nya tidak setinggi di platform seperti IG, jadi bebas aja mo cerita2 tanpa ngintipin siapa yg view/like/comment dll. Dan ga ada cerita spend time mindlessly going through stories or scrolling through feeds. I might get more things done if I stop reporting what I think on IG..right?

When I feel I get my life back on track I'll go back in IG territory. Sekarang mungkin nyampah di blog aja dulu ya.

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Kemana aja??

Halooo... blog ini dah lama banget yah gak diupdate. Yah gitu deh, sibuk kuliah, ngajar (akhirnya jadi dosen jugak hehe) sambil ngurus 2 anak lanang aktif nan cerdas...

Jadinya curhatnya pindah ke Path seringnya, dan pindah ke sini. Soalnya di Wordpress bisa nyambung sama Path hehe.

Belum memutuskan mau terus update disini apa pindah ke lapak sebelah sih.. Udah 10 tahunan di Blogger soalnya. Lebih user-friendly Blogger sih cuma ya itu, Wordpress lbh terintegrasi dengan medsos lain :D

So, kalo disini sepi mau tau updatean saya (ciehh ada gitu??) bisa mampir ke lapak satunya ;)

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First post in 2015

Hellooo... First post in 2015. Kemana ajaa??? Haha.

Sejak pindah Bogor emang hidup jd sulit. Hehe. Namapun merantau ya. Plus anak2 lg fase lumayan bikin repot, which is normal for them jadi ya dijalani saja lah. Saking susahnya, ini gw n si mbak langsung drastis jd tambah langsing ngurus rumah dan dua anak energik ini. Tp Alhamdulillah sih anak2 malah sehat dan montok :*

Um.. What's new? Raka udah sekolah, alhamdulillah doi betah, bapaknya senang krn bayarnya murah, emak jg senang krn kualitasnya cukup oke (TK percontohan d kota bogor gituuu) walopuuuunn terkuras energinya hrs nyiapin doi sekolah, antar jemput dll sambil bolakbalik kampus buat kuliah dsb nya. Sumpah deh akhir2 ini super capek ngerjain rutinitas itu. Soalnya ditambah Rayi ini lg rewel terus. Rata2 nyusu 10x sehari dan lbh banyak di malam hari. Gmn gak tambah kurus ya gw. Jd dr jam 6 mlm sampe jam 6 pagi ya bs 6-8x minta nyusu. Huhu. Mungkin lg tumbuh gigi jg sih krn pd bermunculan gigi2 baru. Plus separation anxiety. Duly Raka umur segitu juga lumayan challenging, gw inget mengalami nursing aversion dan berusaha nyapih dia. Tp skrg mo nyapih Rayi jg impossible. Anaknya ngamuknya ngeri klo ga dikasih nenen dan gw blm siap ngadepin drama itu. Separation anxiety nya juga parah. Gw gak bs mandi or di ruangan lain dimana dia gak bs liat gw (mis.  Gw tutup pintu) tanpa dia ngamuk.

Jadi ya begitulah. Agak jiper ngebayangin klo udh 2thn dan kakaknya 4thn. Secara blm bs akur ini. Gw butuh stok sabar yg banyaakkk kykny.

Nah kan skrg bayinya bangun nangis2 nyari mama :)

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Refleksi 1 bulan kuliah Doktor

Alhamdulillah kuliah sudah berjalan sebulan.. ihh ga kerasa deh. Yaiyalah orang sibuknya kayak dikejar2 apaan. Awalnya culture shock. Waktu S2 kebetulan di Aussie, disana semua serba teratur, tugas dan buku udah jelas ditulis di silabus yang bisa didonlot dari web. Jadi udah fix itu tugas dan ujian apa aja dan kapan dikumpul. Nah disini semua serba mendadak dan express. Masuk kuliah blank karena gak dikasih silabusnya atau minimal bocoran buku yg harus dibaca. Selesai kuliah pertama langsung dapet tugas, review 3 buku sekaligus dijadiin makalah 10 halaman dalam 1 minggu. Iya, cuma dikasih waktu 6 hari buat baca 3 buku dan nulis 10 halaman. Belum lagi tugas dari kuliah lain. Jadi tugasnya suka2 dosennya gitu, dan rata2 deadline-nya seminggu. Sepaket biasanya, makalah dan presentasi. Modyarr kan.

Alhamdulillah karena emang suka bidangnya yah, jadi ga terlalu berat2 amat. Well, minggu pertama kaget sih, misuh2 ngambek sama Akang karena pas gw lagi berjibaku sama tugas doi enak tidur mulu. Malem tidur cepet, pagi bangunnya siang, eh pake tidur siang lagi. Sementara gw gak tidur, tetep harus ngurus anak2 dan ngajak main yg harusnya bisa sama Akang. Gimana gak murka gw. Haha.

Bolak-balik Pasar Minggu-Dramaga itu capek ternyata yaa. Padahal gw kuliahnya cuma 2 hari sih tapi jadinya padat. Dari pagi sampe sore di kampus. Awal2 kena macet Jalan Raya Dramaga itu nyiksa banget. Eh dikasihtau jalan pintas lewat kampung.. and I LOOOVE IT. Namanya jalan kampung ya sempit sih, tapi lumayan bisa 20-30menit hemat waktunya. Jadi rata2 perjalanan cuma sejaman lebih dikit. Tapi yang paling bikin betah lewat sini itu adalah ini:

Heaven yaa.. Bener2 perjuangan gw ke kampus antar kota antar propinsi mendaki gunung lewati lembaaah *nyanyi lagu Ninja Hattori* Tapi gw kan emang suka banget liat pemandangan ijo2 gini.. Dulu pas kuliah di Bandung juga kalo lagi suntuk itu mainnya kalo ga ke utara liat kebun teh ya ke selatan liat sawah di kampung Enin di Majalaya. Udah gitu seger lagi. Nah ini tiap hari liat beginian. Asli adeemm rasanyaa. *lopelope

Cuma ya terlanjur bilang ke Akang mau ngontrak. Lagian pilihannya pindah ke Cakung atau ngontrak di Bogor. Walopun di rumah sini udah nyaman, gw cuma tinggal belajar sama ngurus anak aja, makan aja masih numpang Mama *sungkemMama* Cuma klo disini anak2 ga berkembang dengan baik. Mbak yang ngasuh, walopun super baik dan talented dan sayang sama anak2 tapi kelewat sayang... gak bisa ngedisiplinin padahal toddler kan butuh dikontrol juga yak jangan semua diturutin. Yang ada gw jd bad cop, klo gw tegasin anak2 langsung ke mbaknya yg pukpukin. Udah gw bilang ke mbaknya supaya jangan digituin tapi mbaknya ga tega.. dan gw ga bisa maksa karena itu mbaknya Mama jadi yawis.. Anak2 bakal patah hati pisah sama Mbaknya dan gw deg2an gimana anak2 nanti tanpa mbak idola mereka but it's for the best kan ya.. Bismillah.

Akhirnya pada suatu Sabtu gw, Akang dan Raka ke Bogor nyari kontrakan. Sengaja nyarinya yg masih di kota tapi udah deket ke Darmaga. Antara Cimanggu atau Yasmin. Ndilalah jodoh di Yasmin, cuma liat 2 rumah doang padahal. Klo kata Akang mah emang klo jodoh ga kemana. Mudah2an jodoh ya.. duitnya udah lunas ditransfer ke yg punya kontrakan haha. Cerita tentang kontrakan menyusul.

Alhamdulillah lagi, barusan ke ATM duit beasiswa udah masuk. Jadi aja sms Akang minta norek-nya buat balikin duit yg gw pinjem buat nalangin ongkos gw selama kuliah krn duit belum turun. Huahahaha. Asa aneh nya. Padahal klo gw minta juga dikasih2 aja sih kan ya. Cuma karena keburu bilang minjem jadi harus dibalikin dong. Akang iya iya aja lagi.. kirain mau diikhlasin heuheheu

Kesimpulan: *ini kebanyakan bikin paper dehh pake kesimpulan segalaa XD* Kuliah dengan 2 toddler ituhh capek makk.. Ada momen gw sambil nyusuin Rayi plus nyuapin Raka plus baca buku kuliah.. ato semalem Akang lembur jam 10 malem gw masih depan komputer sambil ngawasin 2 anak lagi main dan nonton entah kenapa pada gak tidur. Sedihnya waktu Rayi ultah jadi ga sempet bikin acara apa2, cuma beli kado dan kue aja. Raka juga ga tau nih dirayain apa ngga, niatnya mau barengan gitu cuma riweuh deh mikirin persiapannya... But we all have to face the consequences of our choices. Temen2 kuliah gw semua juga pengorbanannya luar biasa. S3 is no piece of cake. Apalagi gw beban nih dengan beasiswa gw gak cuma yang udah lolos trus dikasih duit. Diminta prestasi akademik dan non-akademik juga. Ditanya publikasi dll-nya. Jadi gw kudu mikir harus nulis2 dan dipublish jadi buku or di jurnal or koran apa gitu. Demi nusa bangsa dan masa depan negara dan keluarga yang lebih baik..... Semangaaattt...!!!

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In memoriam Mamam Labib

Kemarin dapat berita mengejutkan, teman saya meninggal setelah melahirkan anak keduanya. Anak pertamanya seumuran Raka, lebih muda 3 minggu saja. Almarhumah mengalami robek rahim setelah melahirkan dan pendarahan, kemudian rahimnya diangkat dan meninggal seusai operasi pengangkatan rahim. Almarhumah meninggal 2 orang putra, yang satu baru berusia 1 hari.

Kaget, syok ga percaya kalo Mamam Labib sudah dipanggil sama Allah. Belum sempet playdate pun sama Labib, cuma liat2 fotonya aja di socmed. Ga kebayang dia ditinggal mamamnya, soalnya mereka deket banget. Karena papapnya Labib tinggal di Jakarta, jadi sehari2 Labib diasuh mamanya aja. Kemana2 berdua, bahkan klo kontrol hamil pun temen saya ini ditemenin sama anaknya aja nyetir berdua. Mirip saya sama Raka deh, cuma saya mana berani dan dibolehin nyetir berdua pas lagi hamil.

Kaget, syok karena kepikiran sayapun hampir mendapatkan resiko yg sama. Resiko rahim robek. Beruntung punya obgyn yg tegas dan gak pelit kasih informasi. Beliau konon dulu sering menangani kasus2 seperti itu, jadi beliau make sure saya diedukasi dan diwanti2 supaya ga kejadian seperti itu. Alhamdulillah 2 kali melahirkan dengan kondisi yang cukup gawat darurat, sayanya selamat. Anehnya sih setiap mau melahirkan kok ya gak kepikiran bakal ada resiko sewaktu2 ya I couldn't make it out of the operating room.. Huhu.. untung juga yaa gak kepikiran biar gak galau.. Soalnya 2 kali melahirkan mau masuk OR yg ada seneng-excited-nervous mau ketemu bayi, gak kepikiran sama diri sendiri sama sekali sih. Yg penting bayi keluar dan sehat.

Maka dari itulah, saya bela2in nih ya menembus macet, menembus hutan (iyee kampus gw di hutan beneran bo) demi bisa melakukan suatu penelitian yg mungkin bisa berkontribusi untuk membuat perempuan lebih aware sama kesehatan mereka dan anak2nya.. biar saat hamil mereka dapet informasi yg lebih akurat, tau segala resiko yg dihadapi, supaya gak kejadian kayak Budokter tau2 masuk RS udah parah karena belum teredukasi secara tepat sebelumnya.

I am not looking for a degree. This study is not for my own satisfaction, or even economic reasons. I just want to empower women and create a healthy Indonesia. Doakan ya..

Mamam Labib, I surely miss you.. I feel the loss your loved ones feel. But thank you for being in my life and inspiring me. May Allah pardon all your sins, make you a syahidah and your passing khusnul khotimah. I trust you're lying in a vast, vast space down there and smiling at us from up there.

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Why I do my PhD

Whenever I have second thoughts and face obstacles in doing my oh-so-challenging doctoral study, I will always come to these 2 essays. They were written as a requirement for applying the scholarship I've been awarded (Beasiswa Pendidikan Indonesia LPDP).

SUKSES TERBESAR DALAM HIDUPKU

Jika ditanya apakah sukses terbesar dalam hidup seseorang, jawabannya tentu beragam. Setiap orang akan memiliki jawaban yang berbeda, bahkan orang yang sama akan menjawab beda jika ditanya pada waktu yang berbeda. Contohnya, saya sendiri. Jika ditanya pertanyaan “Apakah sukses terbesar dalam hidupmu?” tiga tahun yang lalu, saya akan menjawab “Sukses terbesar saya adalah meraih gelar Master dari salah satu universitas berperingkat baik di dunia.” Dan jika ditanya pertanyaan yang sama sekarang, jawaban saya: “Sukses terbesar saya adalah berhasil menjadi ibu. Berhasil menjadi Ibu yang baik bagi anak-anak saya.”

Ya, kedua jawaban tersebut sangat jauh berbeda. Semakin tumbuh dan dewasa, justru sukses yang kita raih semakin sederhana. Tidak perlu meraih gelar pendidikan, memperoleh jabatan tinggi atau penghasilan mapan, buat saya sebagai perempuan, istri dan utamanya ibu, berhasil membesarkan anak saya menjadi anak yang sehat, pintar dan berakhlak baik menjadi sukses terbesar dalam hidup saya.

Dewasa ini, membesarkan anak bukanlah perkara yang simpel. Tantangannya berbeda dari jaman orangtua kita dulu. Hal utama yang paling terasa perbedaannya adalah kemajuan teknologi. Kemajuan teknologi yang berkembang begitu pesat bagaikan pisau bermata dua. Di satu sisi bisa menguntungkan kita mendapatkan informasi, di sisi lain bisa menjerumuskan kita dan keluarga kita ke sisi negatif.

Buat saya pribadi, kemajuan teknologi telah membuat saya menjadi orangtua yang lebih ‘pintar’ sehingga bisa memberikan yang terbaik untuk anak saya. Dari Internet dan khususnya jejaring media sosial, saya mendapatkan pengetahuan yang berharga mengenai pengasuhan anak, khususnya berkaitan dengan kesehatannya. 

Tetapi, mengapa sebenarnya saya menganggap berhasil menjadi ibu sebagai sukses terbesar saya? Karena menjadi ibu adalah sebuah privilege atau suatu hak yang istimewa bagi perempuan. Buat saya, perjuangan saya menjadi ibu tidaklah mudah. Saya hampir menjadi salah satu dari statistik 228 per 100000. Apakah 228 per 100000 itu? Angka tersebut adalah angka kematian ibu di Indonesia tahun 2007 (UNDP Indonesia, 2011). Dari sekian banyak kematian yang terjadi, paling banyak dikarenakan pendarahan saat melahirkan, dan penyebab kematian terbanyak kedua adalah eklampsia atau komplikasi kehamilan (BPS, BAPPENAS dan Kemkes, 2012). 

Saat melahirkan anak saya, saya menderita preeklampsia sehingga harus dioperasi segera untuk menghindari eklampsia yang bisa berujung pada kematian. Saya beruntung telah memperoleh edukasi sebelumnya tentang kondisi saya, salah satunya dengan menggunakan jejaring media sosial untuk memperoleh informasi yang faktual mengenai kondisi saya. Saya beruntung melahirkan di fasilitas kesehatan yang memadai dan dengan tenaga kesehatan yang tanggap sehingga kondisi saya langsung diatasi.

Tetapi tidak semua ibu di Indonesia seberuntung saya untuk memperoleh fasilitas tersebut. Tidak hanya fasilitas fisik yang mereka perlukan, tetapi fasilitas nonfisik seperti akses terhadap informasi, sebuah hal yang sekarang menjadi lebih mudah berkat hadirnya jejaring media sosial yang memungkinkan diseminasi informasi secara cepat dan massal.

Untuk itulah saya ingin mengetahui apakah banyak yang merasa seperti saya, dibantu dan ‘diselamatkan’ dengan hadirnya media sosial sehingga bisa memberikan yang terbaik untuk saya dan anak saya karena memiliki pengetahuan yang luas mengenai kesehatan ibu dan anak. Harapan saya, ibu-ibu yang belum ‘tercerahkan’ bisa ikut menjadi ‘lebih pintar’ seperti saya. Saya ingin meneliti seberapa besar pengaruh media sosial di Internet dalam upaya menurunkan angka kematian ibu dan anak di Indonesia. Tujuan saya pada akhirnya adalah masyarakat yang berdaya dan bebas, masyarakat Indonesia umumnya, dan perempuan Indonesia khususnya.

PERANKU BAGI INDONESIA

Mendidik perempuan berarti mendidik sebuah bangsa. Perempuan yang terpelajar atau berpendidikan akan menghasilkan generasi penerus yang berkualitas yang dapat meningkatkan harkat dan martabat bangsa. Memberdayakan perempuan berarti memberdayakan bangsa. 

Saya adalah perempuan. Saya adalah ibu. Saya adalah pemuda yang memiliki semangat dan kecintaan begitu besar terhadap negara saya Indonesia. Saya percaya dengan status saya tersebut, sebagai perempuan, sebagai ibu, dan sebagai pemuda dan kaum terpelajar, saya memiliki potensi yang besar untuk bisa mengemban peran yang penting bagi Indonesia.

Sedari kecil, yang saya ingat adalah saya bercita-cita untuk dapat bekerja untuk bangsa. Ya, saya tidak bercita-cita besar menjadi pengusaha atau profesi apapun yang menghasilkan uang banyak untuk saya sendiri menjadi sejahtera. Cita-cita saya adalah mengabdi pada masyarakat, mengabdi pada bangsa Indonesia untuk mensejahterakan sesama saudara-saudara saya sebangsa dan se-Tanah Air. Saya ingin sekali merasakan bahwa saya telah membuat kontribusi nyata dalam pembangunan bangsa ini. Dengan itu, rasanya salah satu tujuan hidup saya terpenuhi.

Itulah mengapa meskipun saya berkuliah di jurusan Kimia ITB saat S1 dulu, niat saya saat penelitian Tugas Akhir adalah penelitian saya harus aplikatif dan berguna bagi orang banyak. Maka saya memilih judul penelitian “Pembuatan Minyak Kelapa Murni Menggunakan Ekstrak Nanas”. Sebuah judul yang sangat sederhana untuk mahasiswa Sarjana Kimia dari ITB. Tetapi justru dalam kesederhanaan itulah saya bisa berbuat sesuatu untuk orang banyak. Harapannya hasil penelitian saya bisa digunakan oleh khalayak luas dan tidak hanya terbatas berputar dan didiskusikan di lingkungan akademik semata. 

Setelah lulus S1 pun, saya menolak tawaran kerja di perusahaan swasta, dengan anggapan bahwa saya akan terlalu sibuk bekerja untuk saya dan perusahaan, sehingga tidak punya waktu atau bahkan melupakan cita-cita saya untuk membangun masyarakat. Saat kuliah, saya sudah melakukan upaya-upaya tersebut dengan mendirikan sebuah Taman Bacaan Masyarakat untuk meningkatkan minat baca di lingkungan sekitar tempat saya tinggal. Saya pun rutin menggalang dana atau tenaga, bahkan sebagian besar menggunakan uang, waktu dan kendaraan sendiri, untuk berkeliling kota membagikan makanan dan berbagi cerita dengan orang-orang di jalanan seperti tukang becak, pemulung, tukang sampah, dan sebagainya.

Inspirasi saya untuk terus mengabdi pada masyarakat datang ketika saya kembali kuliah lagi untuk S2 tetapi kali ini di bidang yang sangat berbeda, namun ternyata adalah bidang yang sangat saya nikmati dan merupakan passion saya. Saya mengambil S2 di bidang Komunikasi Pembangunan di University of Queensland, Australia. Disini saya belajar teori dan praktek mengenai bagaimana cara membangun masyarakat yang efektif dan menghasilkan masyarakat yang terbebaskan dan berdaya. Kuliah saya dan dosen saya disana begitu menginspirasi saya, sehingga waktu 1.5 tahun yang saya habiskan belajar Komunikasi Pembangunan untuk meraih gelar Master saya terasa tidak cukup bagi saya untuk bisa mendapatkan ilmu dan kesempatan lebih untuk berperan nyata dalam pembangunan bangsa.

Peran saya bagi Indonesia adalah sebagai agen perubahan, sebagai penggerak untuk bangsa agar maju dan berdaya. Saya bisa mewujudkan itu lebih baik apabila saya terpilih sebagai penerima beasiswa LPDP ini. Penelitian yang akan saya jalani dengan bantuan beasiswa LPDP terkait langsung dengan pemberdayaan masyarakat khususnya perempuan dan anak-anak, dua aset terbesar suatu bangsa yang justru sering dinomorduakan. Saat selesai studi, saya akan langsung kembali ke Indonesia untuk mengabdi di perguruan tinggi menjadi tenaga pengajar, dengan harapan bisa menginspirasi anak-anak muda khususnya perempuan untuk bisa berkarya dan menghasilkan sesuatu yang nyata seperti yang telah saya lakukan.

 

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